MEDITATION ON PSALM 90

This post was originally written as past of a homework assignment for the Leadership Development Network. I thought I would share it here.

Spending time with Ps 90 I began to notice that it truly is the prayer of my life. For me it has become a summary of where I have been and God’s promise for the future. It echoes other journaling I have been doing.

God has almost always been the one I looked to through all the trouble I have experienced. He has and is truly my dwelling place. I have felt his anger and indignation at the sin and brokenness in my life. He has revealed much that was in secret and continues to do so. Verse 13, has been the desperate cry of my heart so many times.

Yet I have also experienced God’s unfailing love. I am experiencing a new beginning. God has been showing me that now is the time of laying a new foundation. A place to live from that is not based in the past. I believe God is showing me that LDN is a big part of this foundation.

BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!!

I don't know many people who are excited about returning to school but I am! It's now official. I will be starting a 3 year leadership program through my church denomination. It will lead to better biblical and theological understanding as well as increased leadership competencies. There is the option of becoming a commissioned pastor, which is one step below our ordained pastors who have a Masters of Divinity. I'm not sure about doing that, at least it's not my goal, but I have 3 years to figure it out.

So why am I excited? Well first of all I am a life-long learner. All my jobs involved learning new things and especially the last one where I spent every summer catching up on the new research in the alcohol and drug prevention field. That research influenced the programs I wrote and the teaching I did. I loved that part of my job and have missed it. There's more though.

When I graduated in the spring of 1983 with my BA in Fine Arts (major History, minors: secondary education, English and Religion) my intent was always to study for my Masters so I could do counselling in the school system. Unfortunately, circumstances too many to count, conspired against me and that did not become possible. Still I kept looking for other Master programs but nothing was feasible or interesting to me.

Then in the fall of 2005, with the encouragement of my boss, I began a certificate course in counselling. I was thrilled. I lasted 2 classes before I realized I couldn't go on. Whatever was wrong with me stopped me in my tracks. It was MS! I must confess I was angry at God for a long time. I was in a good place in my life and finally working towards a dream. I didn't understand why it was suddenly all stripped away.

A couple of years ago I was introduced to the Leadership Development Network (LDN) through my pastor. It clicked immediately. The set up was perfect for me. The cost: beyond me! The leader of the program said that sometimes people sponsor others and maybe that would happen for me. I put the whole idea aside.

Until a few months ago when my friends took me out for a walk and told me they would sponsor me! Yes all 3 years of study are paid for. I was stunned because this was the last place I thought sponsorship would come from. God is so good and so full of surprises! I've been like a giddy soon to be kindergartner waiting for school to start.

It's official now. Applications and recommendations have gone through and I start in Sept. I don't know if I mentioned before but God is fulfilling all my dreams, just not in ways I thought. He is granting me the desires of my heart but in unexpected ways. Being diagnosed with MS and having to quit work has lead to leading an active and growing prayer ministry. I am blessed every time I get to minister to someone or the congregation through prayer.

This morning I went to get a new NIV study Bible as mine is coming apart from long and well use. It was such a high I almost skipped out of the store. My soul is filled with gladness and thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to the challenges and the rewards of study, to learning new things about God and drawing closer to God because of that. I'm looking forward to new binders and paper and pens. I love the start of new things in September. Watch out school, HERE I COME!

Thanksgiving - for MS

Monday was Thanksgiving Day.  A special day for thanking God for all His blessings. As I've been reflecting on the blessings I am thankful for, I've been reminded of the day I realized I am thankful for MS. 

That wasn't always the case. Shortly after being diagnosed I had to stop working. My life had felt full and rich doing the things that God had called me to. Then over the course of 3 short months, my world was reduced to my couch.

I didn't understand. Wasn't I doing what God wanted? How could He then strip it away? For me, my purpose and sense of fulfillment was found in what I did, especially what I did for others. My work was also my ministry. Being "useful" to others was what gave my life meaning.

Slowly I began to realize that I had made work and a sense of purpose an idol. I had put my trust and sense of being in what I did, not who I was. This wasn't a new struggle. I'd wrestled with "being" versus "doing" many times.

Over time, I began to accept at a deeper level that my worth to God was not in what I did but who I was. It did not matter to Him if I spent most of my day on the couch or in bed resting. What matter to God was my heart of worship for Him. If God wanted me on the couch so I could focus on Him, then that was what He wanted me to be doing. 

As I began to recover from that major relapse, I was able to start reading more. I read, not just my Bible, but other books. Books about thanksgiving and prayer. I began to hear God's whisper of a new calling, a calling to prayer. It began with the realization that while I couldn't do much activity, I could pray. I quietly began praying for others. I felt honoured to walk alongside others as I prayed for them. 

God spoke to me through others. One dear friend gave me the Willow Tree Angel of Prayer. Another friend quoted Ephesians 2:10; "For we are Christ's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (italics mine) Did you catch it? I've read this verse many times, even memorized it. Yet this time I saw it. God prepared the work I would do in advance. God knew I would be diagnosed with MS. He knew what my limitations would be. This was not a surprise to Him.

I began to recognize that I was connecting and ministering to people I would never have had the chance to do before. By praying, I was blessing others through God. My heart began to sing as I realized that God was doing something new in my life. My relationship with Him had changed. My relationship with others had changed. There was much to be thankful for.

That's when it happened. When I realized that I could give thanks for my MS too. It was because I wasn't working, because I couldn't do all the things I wanted to and needed to rest, that these beautiful blessings had come into my life. Even now, as I write, thanksgiving and joy fill my heart. 

Yes, I am thankful for having MS.