Blue Christmas

Do you remember the line that says "I'll have a blue Christmas without you." (Sorry not good at song titles) It's been running through my head this past week. Myself and so many of my friends are struggling with a blue Christmas this year.

Mine is blue, has been for years, because I am separated from my family by a wall of denial and unhealthiness.  I choose to speak the truth and not to play the games. That leaves me with almost no part in my family. Certainly not spending Christmas together.

Yet, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Or at least, that's what we are taught it's about. Wonderful times of family gatherings, twinkling lights on Christmas trees, heirloom ornaments and peace and good will to all people. For some of this image is a deep piercing reminder of what is not. Actually I think many, if honest, would have to say that their Christmas doesn't live up to this family ideal.

Some are living with the realities of divorce and siblings that are holding anger against each other. Some have lost family this past year and there will be an empty chair at this year's table. Some suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and this, the darkest time of the year weather wise, is also the darkest for them emotionally. There are single people who can't go home. The list goes on. The reasons are many and the pain is deep and real.

It is into this messiness of life that Jesus came. Jesus wasn't born in a picture perfect situation, like the palace more befitting a king. He wasn't even born in a house with clean linen and the warmth of a fire. He was born in a barn, in the hay, and with the sounds, smells and warmth of the animals.

This fact means a lot to me every year. One of my favourite names for Jesus is Emmanuel - God With Us. It is Emmanuel, born in messiness, that comes into my messiness, my pain, my sadness. Yours too if you let him. Yes, the pain will always be there in some measure this side of heaven. Yet the good news is we do not have to walk it alone. Emmanuel walks with us.

May you experience the presence of Emmanuel this Christmas and all year long.

The Colour Grey

I've coloured my hair because of grey strands since my late 20's. Now I have to do it more often because the grey is taking over. In the last few weeks I've come to the decision NOT to colour my hair anymore. At least to see what it looks like. (I'm giving myself permission to change my mind.)

It's a practical decision on one hand. I can not afford the cost anymore of having someone else do it. So, the next best thing is to do it myself. I use to do that all the time. However, I haven't been feeling really well the last months with a limited amount of energy. Somehow colouring my hair just hasn't made it to the top of my priorities.

That got me thinking. Why shouldn't I let my hair grow grey. I'm of that age where grey is certainly expected. I began to think about my friends whom I admire. One thing I admire about them is their authenticity. There is something about their grey hair that says, to me anyway, "this is who I am. Grey hair and all".

I'm not sure if I've been less authentic because I've coloured my hair. I know I've kept people guessing about my age. I know I like to look sharp and some what in fashion. Yet, I'm feeling called to a deeper level of authenticity.

Perhaps by stripping away the hair colour I'm arriving at a new level of "this is me". I can relax and sink deeper into how God created me. Somehow this outside decision is reflecting a deeper change in me. That's what I want to explore. 

(Thanks to OverJoy Photography for this picture)

What does the Lord require of me?

"What does the Lord require of you? To do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God."

Micah 6:8

I've been thinking a lot about justice lately. We're studying the prophets in church right now and a lot of them are about justice. God values justice and mercy above our ritual attempts at worship. Without justice there can be no true worship.

So what does that mean for me? In our small group we've been struggling with this question. Quickly we become overwhelmed at the vastness of injustice in our world. Human trafficking, prostitution, hunger, war, killings, rape, imprisonment, poor wages, living and working conditions, slavery, the powerful gaining at the expense of those without power. We see it all over, even in our own community. 

I can no longer ignore these injustices. Nor can I remain paralyzed by the overwhelming nature of injustice in our world. I am one of the powerful. I am part of the problem. Yet, solutions are complicated and there seems little I can do to fix the whole problem.

Perhaps that is the problem. I think I must fix everything. I must be "like god". I've begun to think that is not what God is calling me too.

I've been forced to think in terms of my own life and choices, not the problems out there. What am I doing? How am I bringing justice in how I spend my money, in what I choose to buy and eat, or in how I treat the people I come across. We probably all have different answers as to what that looks like. Here are a few of mine.

1. To, where every possible, buy fair trade. There aren't a lot of fair trade products out there and most of them would fall under the wish/want category not the need category. I don't need chocolate. It's a treat. Despite what I might think, I don't need coffee either. Water will do just fine. I'm endeavouring to buy fair trade chocolate and coffee. I just found a source of fair trade tea, Jus-Tea.. (http://www.justea.com/) Yes, they are more expensive but I can afford them. Just giving up a latte or two covers the extra cost.

2. I can donate my money sacrificially. We had an offering this Sunday for World Hunger. At Christmas we donate money to buy goats for Kenya. There are reputable agencies I can support.

3. Christmas gifts. You might have received them also. Gift catalogues from relief agencies. My niece or my friend's kids really don't need another toy or set of markers. In addition to a small gift, I am choosing to donate to the relief agency connected to my church since I know the most about them. Medical supplies for children in other parts of the world will be my gift this year. 

4. Buying goods from factories with fair wages and good working conditions. I was struck by Amos 2:6. "They sell the righteous for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals." We talked a lot about this because it is really hard to source products like clothes and be sure of what conditions they are made in. None of us are wealthy, so the topic of affordability did come up here. However, I can live with less in order to afford the better choice. One shirt instead of two is not a big sacrifice.

5. Buying local. This pertains to food mostly. I have a wonderful fruit and vegetable market close to where I live. They grow a lot of vegetables themselves. They also source locally or within BC where possible. I'm not perfect about this because I do enjoy that pineapple now and again. I'm trying.

6. How I treat others in my day-to-day life. The checker in the grocery store and the pan handler outside on the sidewalk all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I need to acknowledge that they exist as a person instead of turning away or being so absorbed in my own thoughts I barely notice they are there.

I'm sure there is much more I can be doing. The issue of human trafficking keeps pulling at me. I know I need to do some more research about that. Already I know of 2 agencies that work locally and internationally with trafficked women and children. How may I help them?

So I'm coming to see that while I might not be able to change governments, stop wars or act on a global scale I can and must act justly in my life. That is what God is calling me too.I believe this is what God is calling us all to. So that in the words of Amos 5:24:

"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

Thanksgiving - for MS

Monday was Thanksgiving Day.  A special day for thanking God for all His blessings. As I've been reflecting on the blessings I am thankful for, I've been reminded of the day I realized I am thankful for MS. 

That wasn't always the case. Shortly after being diagnosed I had to stop working. My life had felt full and rich doing the things that God had called me to. Then over the course of 3 short months, my world was reduced to my couch.

I didn't understand. Wasn't I doing what God wanted? How could He then strip it away? For me, my purpose and sense of fulfillment was found in what I did, especially what I did for others. My work was also my ministry. Being "useful" to others was what gave my life meaning.

Slowly I began to realize that I had made work and a sense of purpose an idol. I had put my trust and sense of being in what I did, not who I was. This wasn't a new struggle. I'd wrestled with "being" versus "doing" many times.

Over time, I began to accept at a deeper level that my worth to God was not in what I did but who I was. It did not matter to Him if I spent most of my day on the couch or in bed resting. What matter to God was my heart of worship for Him. If God wanted me on the couch so I could focus on Him, then that was what He wanted me to be doing. 

As I began to recover from that major relapse, I was able to start reading more. I read, not just my Bible, but other books. Books about thanksgiving and prayer. I began to hear God's whisper of a new calling, a calling to prayer. It began with the realization that while I couldn't do much activity, I could pray. I quietly began praying for others. I felt honoured to walk alongside others as I prayed for them. 

God spoke to me through others. One dear friend gave me the Willow Tree Angel of Prayer. Another friend quoted Ephesians 2:10; "For we are Christ's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (italics mine) Did you catch it? I've read this verse many times, even memorized it. Yet this time I saw it. God prepared the work I would do in advance. God knew I would be diagnosed with MS. He knew what my limitations would be. This was not a surprise to Him.

I began to recognize that I was connecting and ministering to people I would never have had the chance to do before. By praying, I was blessing others through God. My heart began to sing as I realized that God was doing something new in my life. My relationship with Him had changed. My relationship with others had changed. There was much to be thankful for.

That's when it happened. When I realized that I could give thanks for my MS too. It was because I wasn't working, because I couldn't do all the things I wanted to and needed to rest, that these beautiful blessings had come into my life. Even now, as I write, thanksgiving and joy fill my heart. 

Yes, I am thankful for having MS.

The Church At Work

I love the Christian Church., the Bride of Jesus Christ. Made up of sinful people saved by grace there is much that can go wrong and I've experienced that kind of hurt and pain too. Yet, when the church is working right, under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, it is a rich blessing to be part of.

This week I had the privilege of attending 2 days of regional meetings for our denomination. I was there as the prayer coordinator for our church which hosted the meetings. I sat in the back, listened and prayed.. There was a lot of business and reports to be heard and discussed. However, there was a lot of prayer too. Prayer happened as meetings started, prayer happened after reports were read, and as decisions were being made.

These leaders of the church knew that it wasn't their church but the church of Jesus Christ. There was a longing to be part of what God is doing in and through our denomination. That brought much joy for me.
It can be so easy in setting like that to think that we are in charge. However, it seems to me that the more time spent in prayer, the greater the power of the Holy Spirit at work in the church. When the church is working the way God intended it is a joy to be a part of.

I pray that God blesses all the pastors and churches that are part of our denomination's region. I pray especially for the two new pastors that were welcomed. Beyond that I pray for all the church's of our country and around the world. May we follow the Lord and work to usher in the Kingdom of God as He leads us.

Back Again

I wrote my first blog a very long time ago. I've learned a lot since then but never blogged about. Maybe someday I will. For now, with much encouragement from a new friend and fellow blogger, I've decided to try it again. 

The purpose is still the same. Sharing random thoughts. lessons learned, interesting things read, and what the Lord is teaching me. 

I stopped writing because I wasn't ready to share my struggles with MS and coming to terms with a new purpose in life. I thought I didn't really have anything to say. Now I'm realizing that I do. Not the way others may share but in my own way. God is teaching me new things. My heart is being opened to new things. 

So I'll try again and see what becomes of it. I hope you join me and that God speaks to you also.