MEDITATION ON PSALM 90

This post was originally written as past of a homework assignment for the Leadership Development Network. I thought I would share it here.

Spending time with Ps 90 I began to notice that it truly is the prayer of my life. For me it has become a summary of where I have been and God’s promise for the future. It echoes other journaling I have been doing.

God has almost always been the one I looked to through all the trouble I have experienced. He has and is truly my dwelling place. I have felt his anger and indignation at the sin and brokenness in my life. He has revealed much that was in secret and continues to do so. Verse 13, has been the desperate cry of my heart so many times.

Yet I have also experienced God’s unfailing love. I am experiencing a new beginning. God has been showing me that now is the time of laying a new foundation. A place to live from that is not based in the past. I believe God is showing me that LDN is a big part of this foundation.

TODAY'S THE DAY!!!!

Do you remember the first day of school? Well I don't remember grade one but I do remember other 'first" days. The first day in a new school times three, the first day of high school times three, the first day of university and now the first day of Leadership Development Network. (LDN) It's only a 1/2 day for first year students today. Really, it's an orientation. Next week all the students will be there and we're right into it.

I remember the first day nerves. The book bag already packed, lunch made and clothes decided upon. Most of the time I had early morning starts and long commutes because I went to Christian School for all but my last year of high school, grade 13.

Not much has changed. The book bag was packed last night and clothes decided upon. The first year student assignment completed and printed. I only have a 5 minute commute but I was awake at 5:30 am thanks to Mr Racoon.

Yet, this is different than before too. I'm also really excited. It's become so clear to me reading Robert Mulholland's book "An Invitation To a Journey" that this is as much a spiritual journey as an intellectual one. God has opened the door and placed me on this journey. Never before have I been so sure of His leading when it comes to school. This is more than the next obvious step one takes to a career. I have no plan for after. I am more aware that I do not know the future God has in store for me.

That is a good thing! It means living in each moment and learning to trust God. The hardest thing about spiritual formation according to Mulholland is giving up our control and letting God have control over every aspect of our lives. So I begin this great adventure.

I'm not a very consistent blogger so I won't make any big promises. I'll try to share some updates and thoughts a long the way.

GOD IS GOOD!

 I'm clinging on to that right now.

3 weeks ago, a friend's husband died unexpectedly while under anesthesia before the surgery even began. His heart just stopped. It was such a shock. They were in Germany preparing to go to Gambia, West Africa as missionaries. I had prayed for them just 2 months ago as they prepared to leave.

Yesterday I received the news that another friend's husband died unexpectedly due to a work place accident. He fell of a ladder, hit his head on the concrete and passed away. What a shock. What makes it more difficult is that my friend had just conquered stage 4 breast cancer after going through a horrendous year. She was doing great!

Both of these men were young men. My 2nd friend still had 2 little kids at home. My 1st friend's kids are scattered all over. There was no rhyme or reason, no wondering.

How do I respond? How do I begin to process something so shocking, so unbelievable? How do I make sense of it?

I suppose there are lots of reasons we could suggest. There are many theories out there about why good people suffer bad things. These families are good people.

I'm not sure I have any brilliant answers either. However, during my own suffering and crying out whys at the foot of the cross I keep coming back to the end of the book of Job when God spoke to Job. God never answered Job's questions but he did show him who he was.

So I go back to who God is and what I know about God. This becomes my foundation. Here are two things I know and cling to. God is in control and God is good. I pray that becomes the foundation for these two families as they grieve the loss of their husband and father.

DESTROYING LIES

I read the book of Jude for my devotions today. This verse stood out to me so I wrote about it in my journal and thought I would share my thoughts with you.

Jude verse 8: "In the same way these dreamers pollute their own bodies, reject authority and slander celestial beings." (NIV 2011)

It seems ironic that I spend time on the outside of my body like showering, hair, and facial moisturizer. Yet not so much on the inside; what I eat or doing exercise for example. Another irony is that I take all these medications and supplements to promote health. Yet I still struggle to use food or exercise to promote health. I am getting better at the food part but not so much the exercise part.

It's easy to slip into self-flagellation and condemnation. That does not ensure a positive move forward though. It leads me to crawl under a rock and beat myself up some more thinking "I'm not worth anything else". That's not the truth either.

Beating myself up leaves me on the couch, giving up before I stand. It leads to "who cares' and "why not eat that scone". I'm so good at beating myself up I do it without a thought. It's second nature to me.

I'm beginning to see that the way forward is to be my own best cheerleader. To briefly acknowledge the failures but to focus on the victories! That might be the key to getting up again.

I grew up in a denomination that sang a song when I was a kid that had a line something like this talking about Jesus dying "for such a worm as I". Circumstances conspired to make me believe even more that I was a worm. (I'm happy to say that while we still acknowledge our sins, we also are very big on celebrating God's grace to us. Plus that line has been changed in our new hymnal.)

I've come along way getting out of that mentality and belief but I still struggle with it. It's more subtle and harder to detect now. Changing this old view of myself is like trying to remove lies from my DNA and replace them with God's truth and love. Yet isn't that why Jesus came? To make us new creatures in Christ?

Oh how I need God's grace and love in every aspect of how I treat my body and how I live. How I need God's Word, the Holy Bible, to tell me the truth about myself.

What lies are you to trying to replace with God's truth?

P.S. I'm finally celebrating my 50 lb weight loss with some girlfriends by getting a manicure/pedicure. I can't wait.

BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!!

I don't know many people who are excited about returning to school but I am! It's now official. I will be starting a 3 year leadership program through my church denomination. It will lead to better biblical and theological understanding as well as increased leadership competencies. There is the option of becoming a commissioned pastor, which is one step below our ordained pastors who have a Masters of Divinity. I'm not sure about doing that, at least it's not my goal, but I have 3 years to figure it out.

So why am I excited? Well first of all I am a life-long learner. All my jobs involved learning new things and especially the last one where I spent every summer catching up on the new research in the alcohol and drug prevention field. That research influenced the programs I wrote and the teaching I did. I loved that part of my job and have missed it. There's more though.

When I graduated in the spring of 1983 with my BA in Fine Arts (major History, minors: secondary education, English and Religion) my intent was always to study for my Masters so I could do counselling in the school system. Unfortunately, circumstances too many to count, conspired against me and that did not become possible. Still I kept looking for other Master programs but nothing was feasible or interesting to me.

Then in the fall of 2005, with the encouragement of my boss, I began a certificate course in counselling. I was thrilled. I lasted 2 classes before I realized I couldn't go on. Whatever was wrong with me stopped me in my tracks. It was MS! I must confess I was angry at God for a long time. I was in a good place in my life and finally working towards a dream. I didn't understand why it was suddenly all stripped away.

A couple of years ago I was introduced to the Leadership Development Network (LDN) through my pastor. It clicked immediately. The set up was perfect for me. The cost: beyond me! The leader of the program said that sometimes people sponsor others and maybe that would happen for me. I put the whole idea aside.

Until a few months ago when my friends took me out for a walk and told me they would sponsor me! Yes all 3 years of study are paid for. I was stunned because this was the last place I thought sponsorship would come from. God is so good and so full of surprises! I've been like a giddy soon to be kindergartner waiting for school to start.

It's official now. Applications and recommendations have gone through and I start in Sept. I don't know if I mentioned before but God is fulfilling all my dreams, just not in ways I thought. He is granting me the desires of my heart but in unexpected ways. Being diagnosed with MS and having to quit work has lead to leading an active and growing prayer ministry. I am blessed every time I get to minister to someone or the congregation through prayer.

This morning I went to get a new NIV study Bible as mine is coming apart from long and well use. It was such a high I almost skipped out of the store. My soul is filled with gladness and thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to the challenges and the rewards of study, to learning new things about God and drawing closer to God because of that. I'm looking forward to new binders and paper and pens. I love the start of new things in September. Watch out school, HERE I COME!

40 lbs Lost!!

I was going to write this post a month ago when I had reached the milestone of loosing 40lbs. Half way there! It has been quite the struggle and I was ecstatic. For a week or so, only to put weight back on.  So how could I celebrate the loss and talk about how it's impacted my life.

I realized that as I struggle again, I need to remind myself of what I've learned so far. Maybe I've gained some weight but I still did lose 40 lbs. I need to remind myself what I felt and thought.

Our church is journeying through the New Testament this winter, reading 10 pages a day and then meeting once a week in small groups to discuss what we've read. Somehow familiar words read and discussed many times took on a new meaning. They hit me so hard, I could hardly breathe.

I Corinthians 3: 16 & 17 (NIV 2011)
"Do you not know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Holy Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred and you are that temple."

My body is the temple of God's Holy Spirit. I've known that for years but never lived like that. What startled me the most is that when I mistreat my body, I'm mistreating God's temple! It is sin! I've never seen it so clearly before. I had to repent and once again as I write this I have to repent again.

This truth hasn't sunk deeply into my heart yet. I think I need to put it on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, the car dashboard. My body is God's temple. What an honour! What a sacred blessing! So how can I not honour God by how I treat my body.

For me the biggest thing is mindless eating. I especially struggle at night and when I'm anxious, tired or feeling alone. God is asking me to fill myself with Him, not food.

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting the next week and stepped on the scale. I had reached the 40lb mark. Not even on my radar yet! I was hoping for one or two pounds or not to go up. I was overjoyed. I can still feel those feelings of success. of strength and of inner determination. If I could do this, I could meet whatever other challenges come along.

In Weight Watchers there is a question we are suppose to ask ourselves. "Is what you are going to eat, worth it?" I was so mindless in my eating that I could never ask myself that question. Suddenly I could. Was this scone worth it? This latte? This bowl of icecream? I felt balanced and alive. It was wonderful.

Along the way though, I still did something wrong because I gained 5 lbs back. Just like that. I was and continue to be heartbroken. I have to admit that I gave up. The truths of scripture fled in the face of my anger and disappointment. The knowledge of success and courage vanished. Once more I was in the depths of my deep struggle with food. I have given in to the lies of shame and guilt.

Thinking about it this week, as I've continued to struggle and I'm sure gain some more, I realized that I could ask for forgiveness for a Father who loves me so much. That turning to him, he could once more show me the way. I've committed to learning this scripture passage to begin with. I've committed to tracking again. I'm praying for and receiving forgiveness.

Whatever your struggle, know that God wants to be in it with you. That's the best way to find freedom.

Blue Christmas

Do you remember the line that says "I'll have a blue Christmas without you." (Sorry not good at song titles) It's been running through my head this past week. Myself and so many of my friends are struggling with a blue Christmas this year.

Mine is blue, has been for years, because I am separated from my family by a wall of denial and unhealthiness.  I choose to speak the truth and not to play the games. That leaves me with almost no part in my family. Certainly not spending Christmas together.

Yet, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Or at least, that's what we are taught it's about. Wonderful times of family gatherings, twinkling lights on Christmas trees, heirloom ornaments and peace and good will to all people. For some of this image is a deep piercing reminder of what is not. Actually I think many, if honest, would have to say that their Christmas doesn't live up to this family ideal.

Some are living with the realities of divorce and siblings that are holding anger against each other. Some have lost family this past year and there will be an empty chair at this year's table. Some suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and this, the darkest time of the year weather wise, is also the darkest for them emotionally. There are single people who can't go home. The list goes on. The reasons are many and the pain is deep and real.

It is into this messiness of life that Jesus came. Jesus wasn't born in a picture perfect situation, like the palace more befitting a king. He wasn't even born in a house with clean linen and the warmth of a fire. He was born in a barn, in the hay, and with the sounds, smells and warmth of the animals.

This fact means a lot to me every year. One of my favourite names for Jesus is Emmanuel - God With Us. It is Emmanuel, born in messiness, that comes into my messiness, my pain, my sadness. Yours too if you let him. Yes, the pain will always be there in some measure this side of heaven. Yet the good news is we do not have to walk it alone. Emmanuel walks with us.

May you experience the presence of Emmanuel this Christmas and all year long.

The Colour Grey

I've coloured my hair because of grey strands since my late 20's. Now I have to do it more often because the grey is taking over. In the last few weeks I've come to the decision NOT to colour my hair anymore. At least to see what it looks like. (I'm giving myself permission to change my mind.)

It's a practical decision on one hand. I can not afford the cost anymore of having someone else do it. So, the next best thing is to do it myself. I use to do that all the time. However, I haven't been feeling really well the last months with a limited amount of energy. Somehow colouring my hair just hasn't made it to the top of my priorities.

That got me thinking. Why shouldn't I let my hair grow grey. I'm of that age where grey is certainly expected. I began to think about my friends whom I admire. One thing I admire about them is their authenticity. There is something about their grey hair that says, to me anyway, "this is who I am. Grey hair and all".

I'm not sure if I've been less authentic because I've coloured my hair. I know I've kept people guessing about my age. I know I like to look sharp and some what in fashion. Yet, I'm feeling called to a deeper level of authenticity.

Perhaps by stripping away the hair colour I'm arriving at a new level of "this is me". I can relax and sink deeper into how God created me. Somehow this outside decision is reflecting a deeper change in me. That's what I want to explore. 

(Thanks to OverJoy Photography for this picture)

What does the Lord require of me?

"What does the Lord require of you? To do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God."

Micah 6:8

I've been thinking a lot about justice lately. We're studying the prophets in church right now and a lot of them are about justice. God values justice and mercy above our ritual attempts at worship. Without justice there can be no true worship.

So what does that mean for me? In our small group we've been struggling with this question. Quickly we become overwhelmed at the vastness of injustice in our world. Human trafficking, prostitution, hunger, war, killings, rape, imprisonment, poor wages, living and working conditions, slavery, the powerful gaining at the expense of those without power. We see it all over, even in our own community. 

I can no longer ignore these injustices. Nor can I remain paralyzed by the overwhelming nature of injustice in our world. I am one of the powerful. I am part of the problem. Yet, solutions are complicated and there seems little I can do to fix the whole problem.

Perhaps that is the problem. I think I must fix everything. I must be "like god". I've begun to think that is not what God is calling me too.

I've been forced to think in terms of my own life and choices, not the problems out there. What am I doing? How am I bringing justice in how I spend my money, in what I choose to buy and eat, or in how I treat the people I come across. We probably all have different answers as to what that looks like. Here are a few of mine.

1. To, where every possible, buy fair trade. There aren't a lot of fair trade products out there and most of them would fall under the wish/want category not the need category. I don't need chocolate. It's a treat. Despite what I might think, I don't need coffee either. Water will do just fine. I'm endeavouring to buy fair trade chocolate and coffee. I just found a source of fair trade tea, Jus-Tea.. (http://www.justea.com/) Yes, they are more expensive but I can afford them. Just giving up a latte or two covers the extra cost.

2. I can donate my money sacrificially. We had an offering this Sunday for World Hunger. At Christmas we donate money to buy goats for Kenya. There are reputable agencies I can support.

3. Christmas gifts. You might have received them also. Gift catalogues from relief agencies. My niece or my friend's kids really don't need another toy or set of markers. In addition to a small gift, I am choosing to donate to the relief agency connected to my church since I know the most about them. Medical supplies for children in other parts of the world will be my gift this year. 

4. Buying goods from factories with fair wages and good working conditions. I was struck by Amos 2:6. "They sell the righteous for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals." We talked a lot about this because it is really hard to source products like clothes and be sure of what conditions they are made in. None of us are wealthy, so the topic of affordability did come up here. However, I can live with less in order to afford the better choice. One shirt instead of two is not a big sacrifice.

5. Buying local. This pertains to food mostly. I have a wonderful fruit and vegetable market close to where I live. They grow a lot of vegetables themselves. They also source locally or within BC where possible. I'm not perfect about this because I do enjoy that pineapple now and again. I'm trying.

6. How I treat others in my day-to-day life. The checker in the grocery store and the pan handler outside on the sidewalk all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I need to acknowledge that they exist as a person instead of turning away or being so absorbed in my own thoughts I barely notice they are there.

I'm sure there is much more I can be doing. The issue of human trafficking keeps pulling at me. I know I need to do some more research about that. Already I know of 2 agencies that work locally and internationally with trafficked women and children. How may I help them?

So I'm coming to see that while I might not be able to change governments, stop wars or act on a global scale I can and must act justly in my life. That is what God is calling me too.I believe this is what God is calling us all to. So that in the words of Amos 5:24:

"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

Thanksgiving - for MS

Monday was Thanksgiving Day.  A special day for thanking God for all His blessings. As I've been reflecting on the blessings I am thankful for, I've been reminded of the day I realized I am thankful for MS. 

That wasn't always the case. Shortly after being diagnosed I had to stop working. My life had felt full and rich doing the things that God had called me to. Then over the course of 3 short months, my world was reduced to my couch.

I didn't understand. Wasn't I doing what God wanted? How could He then strip it away? For me, my purpose and sense of fulfillment was found in what I did, especially what I did for others. My work was also my ministry. Being "useful" to others was what gave my life meaning.

Slowly I began to realize that I had made work and a sense of purpose an idol. I had put my trust and sense of being in what I did, not who I was. This wasn't a new struggle. I'd wrestled with "being" versus "doing" many times.

Over time, I began to accept at a deeper level that my worth to God was not in what I did but who I was. It did not matter to Him if I spent most of my day on the couch or in bed resting. What matter to God was my heart of worship for Him. If God wanted me on the couch so I could focus on Him, then that was what He wanted me to be doing. 

As I began to recover from that major relapse, I was able to start reading more. I read, not just my Bible, but other books. Books about thanksgiving and prayer. I began to hear God's whisper of a new calling, a calling to prayer. It began with the realization that while I couldn't do much activity, I could pray. I quietly began praying for others. I felt honoured to walk alongside others as I prayed for them. 

God spoke to me through others. One dear friend gave me the Willow Tree Angel of Prayer. Another friend quoted Ephesians 2:10; "For we are Christ's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (italics mine) Did you catch it? I've read this verse many times, even memorized it. Yet this time I saw it. God prepared the work I would do in advance. God knew I would be diagnosed with MS. He knew what my limitations would be. This was not a surprise to Him.

I began to recognize that I was connecting and ministering to people I would never have had the chance to do before. By praying, I was blessing others through God. My heart began to sing as I realized that God was doing something new in my life. My relationship with Him had changed. My relationship with others had changed. There was much to be thankful for.

That's when it happened. When I realized that I could give thanks for my MS too. It was because I wasn't working, because I couldn't do all the things I wanted to and needed to rest, that these beautiful blessings had come into my life. Even now, as I write, thanksgiving and joy fill my heart. 

Yes, I am thankful for having MS.

The Church At Work

I love the Christian Church., the Bride of Jesus Christ. Made up of sinful people saved by grace there is much that can go wrong and I've experienced that kind of hurt and pain too. Yet, when the church is working right, under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, it is a rich blessing to be part of.

This week I had the privilege of attending 2 days of regional meetings for our denomination. I was there as the prayer coordinator for our church which hosted the meetings. I sat in the back, listened and prayed.. There was a lot of business and reports to be heard and discussed. However, there was a lot of prayer too. Prayer happened as meetings started, prayer happened after reports were read, and as decisions were being made.

These leaders of the church knew that it wasn't their church but the church of Jesus Christ. There was a longing to be part of what God is doing in and through our denomination. That brought much joy for me.
It can be so easy in setting like that to think that we are in charge. However, it seems to me that the more time spent in prayer, the greater the power of the Holy Spirit at work in the church. When the church is working the way God intended it is a joy to be a part of.

I pray that God blesses all the pastors and churches that are part of our denomination's region. I pray especially for the two new pastors that were welcomed. Beyond that I pray for all the church's of our country and around the world. May we follow the Lord and work to usher in the Kingdom of God as He leads us.

Back Again

I wrote my first blog a very long time ago. I've learned a lot since then but never blogged about. Maybe someday I will. For now, with much encouragement from a new friend and fellow blogger, I've decided to try it again. 

The purpose is still the same. Sharing random thoughts. lessons learned, interesting things read, and what the Lord is teaching me. 

I stopped writing because I wasn't ready to share my struggles with MS and coming to terms with a new purpose in life. I thought I didn't really have anything to say. Now I'm realizing that I do. Not the way others may share but in my own way. God is teaching me new things. My heart is being opened to new things. 

So I'll try again and see what becomes of it. I hope you join me and that God speaks to you also.

Getting Started

I've been wanting to write and decided I'd try a blog. The idea that someone might read this, although highly unlikely, gives some added purpose to trying to grasp random thoughts and nail them down. There is no big purpose here. No cause to champion. No great philosophical debate to be had. Just me, musing about my life, the challenges I face with MS, the things I'm learning and discovering or the things I observe around me. I need an outlet and journaling is part of it. I'm hoping that blogging adds another dimension. Who knows. I might try this and decide it isn't for me or maybe it will wharf into something profound and interesting.